i let go. to hold something else. i exhale. to breathe again. to smell the dew. at dawn. i release the tears. to feel more. to hold inside. to visit. the depths. of love. my love. for me. love. loving me. just because.
what am i leaving behind?
i stretch out my arms. my fingers. catch black rain drops. they coat my skin. my words. they deserve me. i earned them. i let them have me. they leave me breathless. raw. pleasantly. pained. pleased.
i let love guide me to the floor. make me forget my human ways. expose myself. before strangers. family. my gods. their gods. i stand naked. i am in my best skin.
i become the animal. i am. i am torn apart. at times. with urgency. mischief at love’s lips. i am consumed. drained dry. left limp. hoarse. spent. i am left. in a puddle of my blood tears.
i am healed. my black tears. fall down my black face. leave black tracks. i hold back black sobs. with shoulders held up by black ancestors. when i can’t walk. when there is one set of footprints in the sand. i am carried by my black gods.
i write love. i am black. writing is my voice. i am black stuff. writing black love. in love there is no hate. there is only truth.
truth? i am black love. i feel. human. love. alive. to leave something. one must go away. i won’t leave. i’ve been here. i am energy. this body is just a different source. i’ve been here. there is no legacy to be left. it is of no value.
i will transition. to another source. at that time. i will cease. to care. about a legacy. my legacy. it won’t matter. what is real? the now. the today. the here. this very moment.
i am writing my experience. i descend from strength. love. loyalty. a people. who didn’t stop. who are still here. i am them. they are me. i write my stuff. it happens to be black. i happen to be black. i enjoy it. i embrace it. the sun loves my skin. my hair reaches for it.
what do people think? of me?
i can’t know. i shouldn’t care. at times. i do. with writing. i’m not great. i write for me. the words come. sometimes. they lack sense. they don’t care about form. they don’t want order. they come.
they undress me. they stand nude. waiting. for me. of all people. to write them. to tell them. about them. they wait for me. could i not write? is there a choice? even if it’s not good? the words are there. waiting. to be wanted.
would one leave a naked lover? who came. untouched. full. whole. as birth. without satisfaction? without pleasure? it is honor. they came. they must be acknowledged. they must be craved. taken. swallowed. taken advantage of. left writhing. in themselves. it is why they came. for that purpose.
i write them. exactly as they are. they wait for me. they are patient. they trust me. to be exact. truthful. to embellish. a bit. not so much. it overshadows why they came to me. it is when i live. the words. they give me life. i am without options. i must. write. i must write. love. i must love. i must write. blackness. i love blackness. yours and my own.
my blackness. it has wrapped me up in warmth. security. whispers soft words. throughout the day. watches me sleep at night. it is hard for me to keep my eyes off it. as a whole. it takes my breath away. send me to cold showers. in negative degrees. i am black stuff. black stuff is breathtaking. it’s fine if i notice. to see it. is to see myself.
i don’t want to be one who does what is expected. that’s dull living. i am never ending. i am the lush garden of eden. i am the forbidden fruits. i leave spirits changed. after they inhale. before they swallow. the moment i sit. on their tongue. i am energy. i am extension of myself. i’ve been here before.
i connect. i steal the breaths as i walk. i pocket them. willfully. daring not to be noticed. i am. i always am. i put sighs in my wallet. for them. the words. the blackness. the love. i love them. i am not afraid. of the words. i am not afraid. of the blackness. i am not afraid. of love. and they are not afraid of me.
we listen to the saved sighs. we blanket ourselves in the stolen breaths. together. we heal. we are in the middle of ourselves. praying. our words. our feelings. our thoughts. our sighs. our orgasms. our curled toes. outstretched arms in the sun. our tears. our softness. our moans. our blackness. we pray. without speaking. i write. black stuff. black love. love. black words. words. i am praying. making love at the same time.
i want to awake. in this black skin. again. tomorrow. i feel the loss of my ancestors. descendants. and their kin. transition. through the night. in death. preventative. death. murdered. i acknowledge their wars. i write mine. i honor their’s. in death. we are free. released. we are innocent. we are love. we are light. i am not afraid. of the words. i am not afraid. of the blackness. i am not afraid. of love. and they are not afraid of me. i let go. so that i may grieve. so that i may free them.
we heal. we are in the middle of ourselves. praying. it is honor. i am honor. leaving black stuff in the breeze.